ANNOYED to the highest level! Why is it that GOD (pardon me lord for mentioning your name) made people who loves getting under other people’s skin. By God, because of this person, I have said what I was not suppose to say. ARSH!!! If someone from higher management was there I am so dead! As in! Now, I can really say that I hate this person. Imagine because of him, if someone was there, I could be terminated. My GOD, why does he always want to annoy me in front of everybody. As if he is a friend of mine. He is not even someone that I would ever consider as a friend. He is so annoying!!! If we could just kick anyone’s ass anytime that we want to, I would have kicked his ass millions of times. GRRRRR!!!

I was reading an article that I wrote last January and realized that I need to edit it due to the words that I wrote.  Let’s just say, there were errors with my grammar in that article.  Now, the last statement in that article said that I am relieved that I am a girl.  Well, I still am but it reminded me of the question I asked my male friend.  Well, you know how it is, when it comes to matters of how a girl looks, it is best to ask a guy friend.  The question was “do I look like a tomboy?”.  There are reasons why I asked this question:

1.) I still don’t have a boyfriend despite of the fact that there are hundreds of guys at work

2.) I never got an invitation to go out on a date (like never)

3.) I ran out of reasons why the first two reasons above existed.

So I asked him this question during one of our conversations and he said “yes you do” in a “duh, isn’t it obvious” kind of way.  Gosh, not that I am not used to him being frank and honest but you know at times, as a girl, you tend to be a bit sensitive with these kind of things.  You know so you would appreciate it if he could have sugar coated his reply a bit.  But then again, this friend of mine is the most honest person that I know, if not then he is the most insensitive person that you would find in the world.  I mean, he even said that it is not ethical to tell a girl that she is fat even if it is true but he would call me fat.  You know what I mean.  So there, I guess, I really do look like a tomboy.  So what do you call a girl who looks like a tomboy but digs hot men? Hahaha…

It was over a month since I sat infront of my laptop and went online.  And I realized I have missed doing a lot of things.  Well, who would want to sit in front of a computer when you already spent 12 hours of your day in front of a PC?  So when I get home, all I could do is sleep.  On weekends, I would rather go out of the house and spend sometime in the mall or go have dinner somewhere with some friends so that I could forget about work for a few hours. Have you ever had a time when you go to sleep all you could think about is work and when you wake up, the first thing that comes to mind is work?  Well, it’s been like that for sometime now that I would rather go out and spend my time away from my pc. 

But then, I realized, blogging is something that I could never do without.  And video streaming is a favorite pastime that I just couldn’t live without.  And so, here I am again.  In front of my computer, writing my thoughts down.  And honestly, I never felt this kind of calm feeling for a while now.

Wow, that’s the longest so far. A lot of things are happening at work recently that all I do when I get home is SLEEP.  I would really feel drained each working day that I feel like I am half asleep on my way home.  Imagine, I even left my ATM card in the ATM machine 2 weeks ago!  This is my 4th transition wave so I shouldn’t be this drained and I shouldn’t be in this kind of stress. Well, yeah, I have some people on enhancement under me, but I just don’t know how that can be so different. They all have the same targets. Well, yeah the needs are different but if you come to think of it, all subordinates will have different needs, regardless if they are in transition or enhancement. Hmmm, I think what’s really stressing me out is, when you’re handling these kind of teams is you will not see the results right away. There might be some progression but since it’s not that significant the result is not noticeable. Now, that’s bad news for me for I am a person who always wants to see results. Well, yes, I am a very impatient person. My friends for the longest time knows this. I don’t like to wait for anyone. If you will be late, you will have to tell me so that I would know when to expect you or else, my mood will be at its worst. And so, not seeing results makes me worry so much that it drains all the energy out of me that by the end of the day, I can’t think of anything else but sleep.

But this situation is the reason why I am holding on.  Yes I am tired and I really miss going to sleep at night but I just can’t let this one go.   I guess, I want to see, how I can overcome this challenge and see if I can really pull this off.

I love to eat basically to know how a food tastes like. You could say that it is part of my learning experience to be a better cook. One of the recipes that I am very interested in is lumpiang shanghai (meat roll) and I have tasted a lot of good tasting lumpia. But I also had some bad tasting ones. Like the one that I am having now. The wrapper is crispy, you can smell the meat but it tastes salty!  Too bad… Sometimes I wonder why some people can’t get the fact that salt is there to add or enhance the natural flavor of the food, not to over power the taste. Tsk, tsk, tsk…

A friend approached me to tell me that she likes someone.  Funny, but you know how girls are.  They would usually talk about the person they like.  Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t have the guts to tell other people that I like someone.  But I’m wondering what if one day, because I don’t like talking about the person I like or couldn’t even dare say the name of the person I like, someone comes up to me to tell me that they like the person I like too?  Do I have the right to get mad?  I guess not, in the first place, that person didn’t know that I liked the guy and then, I am not in a relationship with the guy so I guess that gave me no right to be mad.  However, how should one react if one is placed in that situation?  What if I liked the person that she likes too and she told me about it?  Should I just keep quiet or should I say I like him too?  Hmmm…

I have this site that I go to every now and then for I can relate to some of the entries that this guy puts up in his site.  I like his posts for he would normally put a qoute in the end which makes me stop and think for a while.  These past few days have been challenging for me for first, a friend had betrayed me (or so I and some of friends thought) and secondly I felt that I am not effective and effecient enough at work and so I felt like quitting (not to mention my bad ass colds that did nothing but try to make me stay in bed).  So today, I went to dropped by his site and saw this qoute:

“The better a man is, the more mistakes he will make, for the more new things he will try. I would never promote to a top-level job a man who was not making mistakes…otherwise he is sure to be mediocre.”
- Peter Druker

I realized when I read this qoute that I shouldn’t be too worried about making mistakes after all, in life or in my career, for what I should worry about is what should I be learning from the experience for me to prevent the same mistake to happen in the future.  For mistakes are there to teach us about the consequences of the actions that we make not to remind us how ineffecient we are as a person.  It is there to help mold us and in time make us the best person that we can be.

These past few days 2 of my friends (who do not know each other), at two different occasions, came up to me to warn me about someone who is close to me. They told me to be careful of that person for she is talking ill about me when my back is turned. Knowing this made my heart ache a lot for I’ve always thought we’re friends. That she doesn’t just see me as someone in the management team in a prestigious company but because we’re friends and she had the same level of respect and trust that I have for her. Have you remembered anyone saying that betrayal hurts a lot when it was the people whom you trust who betray you?  Just imagine a character in a movie where they found out that someone has betrayed them. It was as if the heavens have fallen unto their shoulders.  That’s exactly how I felt.  See, I’ve always thought that if the time will come that I need someone to defend me, she would be one of those people but I was wrong .  

I am a person who seldom talk about my feelings but last night, I really couldn’t help myself (guess, that’s the effect when you’re birthday is a few hours away), I became emotional that I had to talk to someone.  Because aside from the fact that someone had betrayed me, I also know that there are 2 reasons why people would talk ill behind your back.  One is either they envy you because you’re good at what you do that you threaten them as a person or that you really sucked.  I know people are talking behind my back all this time but that didn’t mean much for those were just my specualtions.  Having a confirmation is another thing but I would just usually brush it off and try to do better but right now, isn’t really my best times.  With all the stuff going on at work, let us say that my confidence is really low right now.  So, this thing really affected me.  For I am not just questioning myself about how good of a friend I am but I am also questioning my competency as a leader.

So as I was closing the old chapter in my life with a sad note, a friend who was kind enough to spend the last few hours before the new chapter in my life began, he told me to think of it as a starting point to reinvent myself.  Make a new version of me, just like a software.  He said that events happen in our lives to make us into the person that we are so one should learn from them to innovate themselves.  Then he said, maybe now is the time that you make Michy version 25.2.

What’s wrong with me? I am getting a new team and I am given a new responsibility and yet why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I want to hide and go somewhere? Why do I feel like dreading each hour that my shift approaches? Huhuhu… And I feel that I am not as productive as I should be everytime I go to work. I go in late and I feel that I haven’t really accomplished anything. Why oh why? Among all the days, why now? Huhuhu… Maybe I should get sometime off before the transition team comes in… I don’t know what to do anymore. T_T  Help!!!!